In the heart Family
by AnonLex
Summary: New Characters Holly Heart her Brothers, Dennis Captain Black Adder Nephew, Jackie 1 and Jackie 2, It is Would war 2 15 year old Holly whats to fight alongside Captain Black Adder and his man While her School friends evacuate to the North France meanwhile Lord Flash-heart is training her three older brothers to be pilots of the Busty Lady that to be called the Twenty mins
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Fancy seeing the daughters and nieces of the air force been sent away to a safe location elsewhere, said Baldrick yeah said Dennis all of them with their posh suitcases and trunks full of their clothes as they walk gracefully to the train station so sweet, what utter nonsense just because they have money to splash about the place they could afford to send them to France and parts of the commonwealth as an evacuation, said Captain Black Adder reading the newspaper I wish I had money to send my sister away on a posh evacuation I did not know you had a sister Baldrick; said Dennis yes her name is Alice Is she the one with the lazy eye and limp said Captain Black Adder yes; said Baldrick and I love her to bits I have a sister do you Dennis yes her name is Ruth and she is a doll, all the men in my village like her specially one man in general called Oliver who is the son of a local celebrity in my home village, what is this celebrity name Sam Buck fizz; who is he said Baldrick let's just say he's the Flash-heart of the village said Dennis does he parade the streets saying how he is oozing with sex appeal and can make anything have an orgasm; said Baldrick; he's not that kind of man thank god, said Captain Black Adder the last thing I want to witness is another Flash-heart frolicking around wartime Britain; what my uncle means is that Sam Buck fizz is tamed as a Red Cross rescue dog;

A 15 year old girl wonders into the trench Captain Black Adder looks up he puts down the newspaper are you Captain Black Adder; she said yes madam may I help you the name is Holly why are you dressed as a boy? Said Dennis that is none of your business I want to join you and your men in defeating the enemy, Captain Black Adder Baldrick and Dennis laughs Holly pulls out a pistol and fires it in the air, Dennis Baldrick and Captain Black Adder get down on the floor; when did you learn to fire like that? Said Captain Black Adder let's just say I am a pro when it comes to good shots, where are your parents said Dennis they had to go where; said Baldrick their separate ways you see my father was a drunk and my mother was a nervous wreck of madness due to my father's infidelity affairs said Holly, do you have any aunties and uncles said Captain Black Adder just my uncle Flash–heart, beg your pardon said Baldrick in shock don't make me repeat his name snapped Holly I did not know that loser had a niece, said Captain Black Adder my uncle is not a loser he is a hero and I will do anything to follow in his footsteps; how are you going to do that? said Dennis by joining your men in beating up the enemy that is ripping this country into shreds, well she sounds optimistic maybe we should let her said Baldrick; are you all mad said Captain Black Adder we can't let a girl fight alongside us, and why not said Holly for two reasons one you are not a male, and two what if your uncle; Holly points the pistol at Captain Black Adder's forehead don't make me blow your brains out!

Miss Holly would you like something to drink, said Baldrick lemonade with crystal clear ice, we only have tea and coffee that's fine said Holly would you like some milk, said Baldrick is it skimmed, full fat said Dennis I only take skimmed it gives me strength Holly walks over to a chair at the corner of the trench she sits down and puts her feet up on the table do you mind getting your feet off the table; said Captain Black Adder; Holly breaks wind Nasty Girl! Said Dennis better out than in so what is the first task besides killing the enemy force with our bear hands until their brains come out; said Holly there is no first task now leave before your uncle comes looking for you said Captain Black Adder, he's too busy training my brothers over at his flying headquarters; That show off has his own flying headquarters said Captain Black Adder oh yeah said Holly called the busty ladies, I thought it was called the Twenty minutes said Baldrick he must have changed the name anyway enough about my uncle let's get down to business.

Come on girls single file said a smartly dressed woman walking over to the front of the carriage followed by a line of girls opening the train carriage doors they climb into the train and sat down I hope where we going is nice, it's France the country of beauty and love said Fiona you really believe that it's dirty and the men are hairy and smelly and they eat frogs and horse meat, why do you have to be such a negative person Victoria, she's just jealous because she is ugly and men find her as a nagging pain said Jessica don't make me slap you! Said Victoria I wonder if the famous Flash-heart is going to be over at France to greet us said Christina I doubt he will once he and his men have taken down a couple of German spies said Hellen there are German spy's relax Angelica they better not follow us otherwise we are done for there is nothing worse than a German spy looking at us young ladies as meat for sexual pleasure purposes within their plot to invade this great country of ours the conductor blows his whistle the train begins to move here we go France here we come said Jill, farewell wartime England see you soon oh don't cry Kimberly just think how much fun you will have over at France said Becky; But it's not my country I prefer Fish and Chips then frogs and horse meat you forgot Toad in the hole Shepherd's pie Bangers and Mash and Spotted dick, why is it called Spotted dick? It dates back to the great plague era when rats roamed the streets of London Rats I hate them it reminds me of the time I went to Africa; so many of them living in mud hut houses and the way they talk rude uneducated beans with no morals of respect or manners why are you looking at me and saying that said Jane twenty-seven there is a girl missing what do you mean there is a girl missing; said Heather;

Meanwhile General Melchett and Captain Kevin Darling were sat around a large dining room table I hope my sister is okay, I am sure she is fine said General Melchett; I mean France is a long journey for a an evacuation said Captain Darling how old is your sister may I ask; she's just 15 and yet she is going to be smothered with expensive French perfume, lavish day and night French attire and learning their native language and eating there frogs and horse meat dishes; well at least she will get a glimpse at Lord Flash-heart and his busty lady flying squad said General Melchett; I thought it was called the Twenty minute yes but you know dear Flash wants a name that will suit his charm and charisma Busty Ladies sounds like something you see over at the red light district, not that I have been to the red district I just heard of it; are you sure said General Melchett, of course I am sure just then the telephone rings Captain Darling picks it up hello; oh Lord Flash-heart my jeep has broken down I need a replacement well I am sure General Melchett will be delighted to give you a replacement jeep make sure it's a 5 seater because I am carrying an extra load; said Lord Flash-heart's voice on the telephone I will make sure General Melchett gets you are five seat jeep, said Captain Darling give my regards to his sister for the lovely banquet that she did for me and my men last Christmas; I will Captain Darling puts down the telephone; who was that? It was Lord Flash-heart he requires for a five seater jeep a five seater jeep; said General Melchett did he ask why? He said something about carrying an extra load okay I will send Jackie 1 with the jeep the Nigerian one or the Polish one? Does it really matter; as a matter of fact it does Jackie 1 is not so keen on taking a jeep to a man that labels black women as housekeepers for the rich and the polish one is just too nice to be driving a big jeep around the war grounds; said Captain Darling well someone has to drive the jeep over to Lord Flash; No, no oh come on darling there is no way I am driving the jeep over to Lord Flash-heart and while you do that give this to him what is it? General Melchett taps the side of his nose with his finger, oh I see now go darling before Lord Flash gets cross yes sir; Captain Darling gets up from the large table and walks out from the dining room as he walks out Jackie the Nigerian one runs into the dining room; General news spread a German spy has just been located on British soil what! Said General Melchett taking out a pistol from an open drawer where! over at the west side she said start up the Land Rover and ask Jackie 2 to inform the firing squad yes sir; said Jackie as she turns and walks out from the dining room those Germans better not have claimed that plot of land said General Melchett, Jackie walks fast along the corridor over to a door she opens it and walks into an office inform the firing squad this is urgent what is it said Jackie 2 a German spy has be located over at the west side, what is with that pink letter it's a love letter from you know who or please; said Jackie 1 the only thing that man want's is your body and vital virgin regens is there something you are not telling me? just call the firing squad yes miss Jackie said Jackie 2 picking up the telephone she begins dialling, hello I would like the extension code number to the firing squad office thank you a telephone rings a tall young man picks it up hello Lieutenant George speaking? Hello Jackie how are you A German spy has just been located at the west side of British grounds and I have been told to inform you of it okay; said Lieutenant George can I ask you one small question did you get a pink letter? Yes said Jackie 2's voice on the telephone good so what's your answer yes or no? Telephone cuts off hello Jackie he puts the telephone down don't worry George there are plenty fish in the sea said a man.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Where is this jeep; said Stanley It will be here just be patient my boy said Lord Flash-heart to his nephew sitting on a rock by the stream while the other two try and catch fish with their hands, What are you both doing said Lord Flash-heart we are catching our dinner for this evening said Boris the Boy scout way said Christopher just then a black jeep comes driving towards them and stops your ride sir Flash, thanks Darling but I would have preferred a hot young female driving then a male the three young boys began to laugh as they go into the jeep move aside Darling; yes Lord Flash-heart he shuts the jeep door and begins driving so Mr. Flash how are things? Fine and dandy and my bad boys are in the mood for some sweet loving, where are we going uncle; said Christopher to the west side of the trenches where this German spy was located; are we going to kill the bastard said Stanley That's up to the courts of justice to decide said Lord Flash-heart how on earth did a German spy manage to get onto British soil? Said Boris the enemy has many ways to touch down on our territory and it's up to us men to make sure that they don't just then a dark green Land Rover comes driving behind the jeep slow down Jackie! Said General Melchett's she beeps the horn as it overtakes the jeep Bloody-hell said Boris talk about reckless driving said Christopher well you have not seen nothing yet the jeep begins to go fast passing a trench where Baldrick was holding a dead chicken as he walks back into the trench; where did that dead chicken come from? Said Dennis roadkill said Baldrick I could have got a duck but it was miles away so Holly what school do you attend; Said Captain Black Adder an all-girls Church Of England boarding school I have to get up at 5am and be in bed by 6pm so the teachers can drink gin and wine and get off with smelly old rich men in lavish sex parties and at the same time doing god's work, so the teachers in your school are hypocrites; more than hypocrites they are sluts from broken homes and yet it is £80.00 per term I thought Faith schools were for free if you happened to be a member of the church; said Captain Black Adder that was in the 15th century now it's all about the money and yet the teachers are drinking smoking cigarettes and smelling of cheap perfume said Holly; don't pluck that chicken near me said Dennis sneezing,

A masked person in a long brown coat falls to the ground; tell me spy what do you mean by tell you it was General Melchett and I that found this spy first sorry but our uncle does not talk commonwealth said Christopher shut up before I blow your head off; yells Jackie the masked person with a long brown coat gets up stay down! Listen Brownie scout this is my catch now go back to your cleaning cooking and sowing over at your rich master's house oh you mean yours my lord said Jackie that manner house in the coast of the Dover countryside that dungeon where you beat the crap out of me every single day and night without any remorse or sympathy what so ever cracking jokes behind my back among your rich friends and mocking my intelligent mind well guess what my lord I have had it with your endless bullying and worshipping, I now work for General Melchett and I never been happier so this spy is my reward better luck next time my lord or should I say ex master get up! said Jackie to the masked person on the ground the masked person gets up she puts the person at the back of the Land Rover she climbs in and drives away what a Bitch; said Stanley don't you worry my boy we may have lost this round but we haven't lost the ability to fight the enemy at their own game; said Lord Flash-heart so where are we going? to the gentleman's club to get pissed and talk about women sounds a bit much since we lost our catch to an ex housekeeper of yours never mind about that witch I can employ another housekeeper to take her place but for the mean time I am dying for some English Whiskey and some pussy galore said Lord Flash getting back into the jeep followed by his nephews and drives away;

Chicken cooking on an open fire make sure I get a leg and a thigh said Dennis will do said Baldrick what do you mean I have to leave said Holly you had your time in the trench it's home time I am not going anywhere Captain Sack bladder I am staying wright here and besides I have nowhere to go the train for France left 10 hours ago so you better get used to it just then a loud blood curdling yell echoed nearby, Captain Black Adder and Holly runs out from the trench a lifeless body of a man drops into the trench good lord said Dennis hay there is a note attached to his uniform pocket Holly takes the note and reads it what does it say? Said Captain Black Adder God save your king what an insult said Baldrick whoever wrote this note needs a bullet in their head and I am going to find them and do just that, come back here Baldrick stop her he runs after her so uncle what shall we do with the body? Said Dennis well obviously he is an Englishman how do you know he could be Welsh Scottish or Irish the note that Holly saw said God save your king so I assume he's British and it's up to us that he gets a good send-off how are we going to do that; by taking him to one of the graveyards nearby the is no way I am lugging a dead man's body to a graveyard said Dennis why not said Captain Black Adder because it reminds me of the time that I went to a birthday party and took part in a game that involved going to a graveyard; put me down Baldrick comes back with Holly I want to shoot whoever pin that note of insult onto this dead man's uniform; you are not going anywhere young lady and besides it's dark and unsafe I laugh at the face of danger, said Holly how about we cremate the body and scatter the ashes across the battle field we are not barbarians said Captain Black Adder to his nephew we will take it to the chapel so the vicar can say a blessing and put him to rest; fine said Dennis pass me that white sheet Dennis picks up the white sheet he gives it to him Captain Black Adder takes the sheet and covers the dead body; may your sole rest in peace fellow serviceman said Dennis okay Miss Holly time to sleep but I am not tied; you can sleep on the top bunk above Captain Black Adder there is no way I am having a girl sleeping above me don't worry you can sleep on the top bunk above me I rather sleep on the floor than above a sewer rat like you said Holly to Baldrick as she stomps angrily away Captain Black Adder and Dennis picks up the lifeless body of the unknown man and carries him out from the trench wright now stay down and be very quiet yes uncle back in the trench Baldrick was making a bed there you go Miss Holly now I must warn you Dennis snores really loud and sometime talks in his sleep just to let you know, meanwhile over at the Gentleman's club a tall blonde woman was dancing topless on stage in front of a dozen roaring and cheering servicemen while Lord Flash–heart and his nephews sat at the bar I wonder if Holly has arrived in France I am sure she has by now said Boris to Stanley I still say the English countryside would have been better than sending her to the continent said Christopher just imagine our sister getting all dolled up and attending lavish parties with dashing young rich men to keep the Heart family tree going for generations to come said Stanley Oh Jesus what's wrong uncle said Boris the seaman parade have just walked in; okay lads let's get pissed to celebrate our victory in defeating the enemy U-boats hay uncle he looks and sounds like you shut up boy; thanks doll face love the nipple tassels I bet he had cosmetic surgery and dick enlargements

Why would someone have their penis enlarge? Said Christopher my son be a good boy and get your old man some bottles of the finest English rum and whiskey said the navy captain yes dad said the boy as he walks over to the bar pushing past the three boys, do you mind said Stanley I want some bottles of your finest English rum and whiskey are you 21 or over said the barman just give me the bottles sorry I don't serve bottles of alcohol to those under the age of the boy punches the barman in the face was you raised in a boxing ring said Lord Flash-heart the boy sticks his middle finger up at Lord Flash-heart as he left the bar area; what a fowl boy; said Boris; now I understand why you despise the navy said Christopher nothing but a bunch of commoners in sailors outfits, where is the bottle of rum and whiskey boy; said the navy captain the barman will not give them to me what do you mean the barman won't give them to you? He said that I am not 21 the navy captain gets up and walks over to the bar pushing past the three boys God and bennet! said Christopher what's this about you not serving my son, said the navy captain he is not 21 or over listen me and my men have had a busy day and we are dying for some rum and whiskey in our gut understand; yes said the barman good lad now serve me yes sir the navy captain turns to Lord Flash-heart what are you googling at; said the navy captain now I know where that boy gets his rudeness from said Boris,

Back over at the trench Holly was wide awake while Baldrick sleeps she gets up and tip toes through the trench and comes out that stupid Black Adder saying that I should remain in the trench at all times what a joke; I am the niece of the great hero of all time Lord Flash-heart and it's my duty to shed blood of the enemy she grabs a lantern and slowly walks into the darkness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The vicar and a young tall woman with light brown hair were kissing when there was a knock on the chapel door the vicar and the tall woman stop kissing now who can this be at this time of the night; he said as he walks over to the chapel door he opens it sorry to disturb you your fellowship but we have a dead unknown serviceman in our hands; said Captain Black Adder come back when it's daylight said the vicar but we came a very long way your lordship said Dennis I don't care come back when it's daylight the vicar shuts the door in Captain Black Adder and Dennis's face then we might as well take this dead serviceman's body to a Buddhist temple where is that said Dennis 25 miles east; sod that we must as well cremate the body and scatter his ashes across the battle field than traveling 25 miles east said Dennis Captain Black Adder knocks on the chapel door once again the door opens please your lordship at least take this dead serviceman's body and give him the send-off he really needs, is he a relation to you both? Said the vicar why no said Dennis just take the body and bury it! Said Captain Black Adder fine what kind of burial do you want a quick and simple one would be nice; okay £50.00 said the vicar £50.00! Said Captain Black Adder your having a laugh said Dennis that's how much it cost said the vicar but we don't have £50.00 said Dennis then I can't help you goodbye; the vicar shuts the door great come on Dennis let's find some petrol to splash all over this lifeless serviceman's body and set it a light said Captain Black Adder to his nephew as they turned away from the chapel with the lifeless servicemen's body and walks away.

Meanwhile over at General Melchett's office headquarters the masked person in a long coat was sat on a chair in the middle of a room, who are you working for said Jackie the masked person said nothing let me try talk you German rat or I will cut your throat and rip out your spleen! The red gnomes of Berlin said the masked person; unmask yourself never Jackie grabs the masked and yanks it off revealing a heavily make up light pink lipstick wearing blue eyed person; Great scots said General Melchett it's a woman! She spits in General Melchett's face Jackie slaps her across the face, how dare you spit at my General! It's alright Jackie my father will find you and kill you all with one blast! would he now said Jackie well in that case I have to let the British firing squad kill you instantly now Jackie let's not be blood thirsty; said General Melchett the bitch is threating to have us all killed; said Jackie tell us how you got onto British soil? Darling I did not know you was here I was here all the long sir; said Captain Darling did you not notice why no darling I thought you might have gone to bed or having a conversation with your sister over in France; said General Melchett oh no sir I was here by your side ever since this Lady German spy was court and brought here for questioning said Captain Darling I will never reveal how I got onto British grounds said the woman my lips are sealed until the carvery arrives to rescue me form this shit hole said the woman she spits on the floor what is your name? Said Captain Darling I bet it's something German like Gretel or Heidi said Jackie just then Lieutenant George comes into the room everything is ready for the trial of this dirty retched sausage eating bell end of a spy with balls like George, George it's a woman said Jackie a woman not only you brits a retarded your shit is long and your music is enough to raise the dead and your woman are as ugly like the devil's behind Jackie kicks the woman in the face, who are you calling ugly you German blond bimbo cow! Maybe you should take her away before Jackie kills her said General Melchett yes of course said Lieutenant George come on love lets go I am not going anywhere! Said the woman kicking and screaming as Lieutenant George and Captain Darling carries her out from the room; talk about a slut and a daddy's girl said Jackie well time for me to hit the hay goodnight General Melchett oh Jackie nice work today thanks sir goodnight if it wasn't for you we would have missed this spy Jackie smiles at General Melchett before she turns and walks out from the room and who might have known that she was Lord Flash-heart's ex housekeeper.

Flash-heart walks out from the gentleman's club with a tall red haired busty woman in a red dress followed by his three nephews; now boys this is when the real fun begins Christopher falls over there is no way I am carrying you said Boris I did not say you should alright boys less talk and more listening they come over to the jeep the red haired woman opens the jeep door and climbs in along with Lord Flash-heart and the three boys the jeep door closes and drives away Flash- heart begins kissing the woman on the side of her neck oh Flash can't you see I am driving honey; you just met and already she's calling you honey said Stanley it means she is interested in you know what I don't know you mean said Stanley you boys have a lot to learn from your dear old uncle, said Lord Flash-heart.

No sign of the enemy but it's my duty to carry on searching sound of screaming echoed nearby Holly hides in a corner okay Holly don't be chicken; she said to herself as she sticks her head out from behind the corner and walks out she comes across a jeep parked by a wooden shack Holly slowly walks over to the jeep she shines the Lenten great scots she whispers it's are Volkswagen jeep said a deep bellowing German male voice he grabs Holly and puts her at the back of the jeep he begins slowly undoing his belt and pulls down his trousers Holly fires her pistol at the man's groin area blasting off his penis the man yells and screams in pain as he drops onto the ground Holly jumps out from the jeep and begins running into the darkness. That was a close shave good thing I had my pistol otherwise I would have had my vital virgin regions invaded by a dirty German spotted dick she carries on running while over at an underground prison the lady spy sits in the corner with anger and hate in her eyes as the female guards walk up and down; do you mind not walking up and down it's driving me insane just then the underground prison door opens it was Lieutenant George your dinner miss I rather starve than eat your English food fair enough said Lieutenant George so how are you; fine until you walked in now dear let's not be too hasty does it look like I give a shit I bet my father has sent his troops over to rescue me from this dump; said the woman you seem to talk a lot about your father said Lieutenant George he's a great man with a quarter of a million marks under his belt and by Hitler he knows how to fire a semi-automatic to kill all you brits with a few rounds I would like to see him try! Alright ladies that's enough said Lieutenant George to the female guards not only he's a born hero he's also a pilot and very good with search radars I can see it now him and his troops bursting into this underground prison guns blazing in vain and victory and all of you dead at the scene he will blow the lock off, open this door and sweep me off my feet now why would a father sweep their own daughter off their feet; said Lieutenant George and then we will piss and crap on your lifeless bodies before frolicking out from this place and flying away into the moonlit sky; frolic said the one of the female guard next she will be saying that her and he weird daddy will have sex and have lots of children my father is not mad !

Alright chill down okay; my I ask what your name is? I swear a legion to not give anyone my name said the woman, okay said Lieutenant George what is you a age? 22, star sigh, Leo, height, 6ft okay now tell me how did you get onto British soil; that's between I and my boss fair enough you will be executed first thing tomorrow morning no further questions;

There is no way in hell that you are killing me said the woman I have immunity and connections to Adolf Hitler so if anything happens to me all I have to do is ignite the bomb that is inserted in my virginal regions, you have a bomb inside your birth canal; said the female guards indeed I have meaning if I die you all will die with me; now hold on a minute you have a bomb inside you said Lieutenant George so all that talk about your father coming to rescue you was a diversion you British people are so passive all talk no action said the woman Lieutenant George and the female guards quickly walk out from the underground prison the woman begins cackling insanely; what are we going to do said one of the female guards we have to call General Melchitt and tell him that the execution is called off until further notice called off! We are dealing with a crazy bird here said Lieutenant George.


End file.
